Mollie Rock Bottom

And all of the sudden, when and where I least expect it, things are warming up again. “That’s a hard thing to do, believe in people.” That’s the line the protagonist in the movie, The Peanut Butter Falcon, just said. It’s true. If you haven’t seen this movie, it’s a highly inspirational story about how a fugitive ends up finding unexpected love working both with and against this woman to change the life of a beautiful boy with Down Syndrome. I am lucky enough to be spending the day with my parents and cousin who I don’t see enough. I used to hate watching movies with my parents because I thought they were boring, but just like everything else, it’s different now. Just being able to spend time with them has new value to me. I can pay attention to the storylines of books, videos, songs, and even conversations with people and truly take away lessons and emotion, whether its fiction or not.

One theme I notice in so many stories and people’s current journeys is that the most valuable relationships seem to form between the individuals who solve each other through challenging the others’ traditions. The ones I admire the most often contradict me and follow a routine foreign to my own. I’m sure this stems from the excitement I have for what I don’t understand and wanting what I can’t have. What I’ve realized is that I have the power to understand almost anything I want if I am willing to learn and teach myself. This requires me to be curious enough to question people completely different than me and courageous enough to speak about aspects of my life, especially the ones that haunt me.

Little did I know how quickly adapting this mentality would bring new light to my life.

“Mollie, I need you to spell out your name so I can put you and a plus one on the list for my show tonight,” Rodney exclaimed to me followed by the most glistening smile.

I nearly jumped with excitement because despite meeting this captivating gentleman just earlier that Friday morning chatting over his cup of coffee, he had inspired me to chase my dreams and stay consistent with the habits that fuel me, especially those using the power of words. Now he has invited me to the show that he flew out to Boulder to perform, and he wants me to attend! I’m eternally grateful I took the chance to explore his music, and was blessed by Rodney Foster’s healing voice and lyrics that could tell a million stories.

I had one of those “aha” moments next to Alicia as we listened to him serenade the crowd with what I would consider my favorite song of his:

Love is just a word
Until you felt it even when life falls apart
Strong enough to break your heart
It’s gotta get dark enough
For you to see the stars

Alicia and I both had tears in our eyes as we related to those bars through a perspective no one had been able to put into words until then. And for the rest of the first act, I reminisced about all the people whom I have met and dreamed of those I am yet to meet. I couldn’t recall the last time I felt this way, but the warmth of realizing how lucky I am to have these experiences and friends who shape me into a better person dissolved into my heart. I am now reading his book of short stories, titled by the name of a song, which has revealed that the light at the end of my tunnel is far closer than I assumed. “For You To See The Stars,” is what I hope I and everyone I love can understand about the darkness that must happen for us to appreciate the shine of those stars.

I wanted to explain to Radney how much awe he left me in through his kind gesture, so I wrote his a note of appreciation and depicted how some of his lyrics gave me strength to find the closer I deserve from other people. I wrote about how coincidental it is that the title of my blog fits perfectly with the lyrics, “He said rock bottom is just solid ground to start again.” I shared with him how people like him who share the same passion for writing and music are what ignite me to move forward and relentlessly pursue something both myself and others learn from.

Radney must see the spark in me too, because after reading my letter, he offered to mentor and coach me as a writer, for as long as I continue to value the love this life has to offer. In fact, he’s probably reading this now, for just as I appreciated his music, both him and his beautiful wife, Cyndi, spent their time getting to know me by reading and supporting this blog. I am forever grateful I met Mr. Radney Foster, who is an individual who understands me so well despite living a life so contrary to mine. His wisdom and priceless ability to listen and tell has raised the bar I expect out of my future and calmed the uneasiness of the unknown.

…

The cycle I have grown accustom to predicting now has fallen off track, and for the better. I expected that the night of Radney’s concert would be the best of my days for a while, but it was just the propellent into a weekend that has come to mean quite a lot to me.

Eager to evade the intense heat, Alicia and I drove so far up Boulder Canyon, just trying to find a spot at the creek. Neither of us had ever seen it so packed, but how could you be mad when all these people are here to enjoy the same thing? Right before the falls started getting too steep against the slope of the mountain, we found a quiet nook of the creek, where only a lady and her two dogs were playing in the water. After a while of time spent losing my balance… and my inter tube… to the creek’s current, I went to dry off on the banks and was pleasantly approached by the two sweet dogs. I’ve never met such well behaved dogs, but it makes sense after meeting their owner, one of the most humble, grateful, and peaceful woman I have ever met.

I spent at least the next hour getting to know Kristina, and all the stories she was willing to share about her dogs, her sons, her music, her career, and so many elements that made this lady so unforgettable. I’ve written before about how I struggle with picturing my future and what I want for myself, but after watching and listening to how appreciative and genuine Kristina is, I know she is the type of woman I aspire to grow to be. She had not one negative thing to say during our entire conversation. The regard she held for her sons made me truly proud, and I could tell how proud she was of each of them for their own individual reasons. There’s something special about adults who stay young at heart. Coming from someone who just wanted to be older my whole youth, I now understand how valuable it is to enhance your inner child, no matter how old you get. That is the purest and most innocent form of happiness.

Kristina wanted to get to know me too, which means a lot when you just happen to meet a stranger. I told her the short version of this tragically long year, who I am, or am trying to be, and I shared with her my love for music and writing, including the experience with Radney. To my pleasant surprise, she introduced me to the album she produced, titled The Sun I Built In You. The track follows themes of being silenced, grieving, dreaming, and running away from reality until you must choose to accept it and make the best of it, or spend your lifetime running from the truth. Maybe she knew I could relate to the lyrics, or maybe she saw a younger part of herself in me. Either way, I am grateful I went outside of my comfort zone to spark a conversation with a stranger, and more so, that that stranger is now someone I would call a friend.

…

I fell out of my writing purge for a couple weeks but am just as thrilled to be reminiscing through those times by capturing it presently. I truly feel the most content and passionate with my life right now than I have in months. Only a little bit ago was I under the assumption I would never feel okay again. I forgot how riveting the feeling of self gratification was when you see the progress pay off from the work you put into yourself. I’m proud. I think I like the person I’m becoming. Still far from perfect, but I’m honest, grateful, and will see the best in anyone despite what their past has defined them as.

I once worked with this girl who I admire quite a bit, and despite my constant complaining about how hard life was, she always told me she liked to challenge herself. I genuinely used to think what the hell is wrong with his girl… I would do anything to catch a break.

Now I know the importance of both physical and mental strenuous activity, and how pushing yourself to discomfort is the key to self growth. To be consistent and disciplined is far more powerful than feeling motivated. These are traits I strive towards for people to perceive me as. These are the traits I never have excelled with. However, since identifying something to work towards, I have noticed more proficiency in myself than ever before and only foresee to climb higher and do better than person I was the day before.

Over the past month, I’ve gotten to know a wonderful man who is staying at my hotel. Every morning, he orders the same thing, and opens my shift by wishing me happiness and a good day, as well as sharing some stories of his past and the lessons he has learned. I envy his ability to read people so well and so quickly. Despite the pain he bears both physically and mentally, I have never heard him speak poorly about himself or any other person. I adore this man so much, and I have told him many times how memorable he is. Unfortunately, he is leaving Boulder in a few days, but it’s crazy to me how much I care about people like him now. I wonder if this were to happen a few months ago if I would have just taken him for granted, like I did to so many people. I truly believe people come in and out of our lives. They can be a lesson, a temporary relief, or someone who will ride by your side until heaven takes you home. All I know is that kindness and open-mindedness are gateways to opportunity and growth.

Another situation that has truly inspired me in the past few months is watching my sister grow into such a powerful woman more and more everyday. I was blessed by a phone call earlier in Spring. I found out I was going to be an aunt. Throughout my sister’s pregnancy, I watch her become stronger and more beautiful every day. We were talking about how much she has changed her lifestyle to create the best environment and life for this precious baby. I think we both realized that if she was willing to take the best care of herself for this baby, that she deserves to be doing that just for herself. And so do I. I am so proud of you, Joanna. Watching you overcome so much struggle, and now seeing you earn scholarships in a medical field is making me ecstatic. There is no one more deserving of these opportunities, and you absolutely spark a flame in me to do better for myself, and others.

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I almost started feeling guilty about the fact I was writing for this blog less often than when I initially launched it, but then I reminded myself that this is for me. I don’t want to burn out by feeling like this is a responsibility instead of an actual passion and interest of mine. I’ve suffered too much loss through burning myself out in the past. There’s no schedule for this except for what feels right for me. Everything I write about comes from the heart, and to jeopardize that by setting false expectations for myself that are completely fabricated would be detrimental. I’ve been quite busy lately, but in all the best ways.

Reconnecting with nature and the gym has been incredibly healing. The way I spend my free time is much more selfless than how I used to. My mom always encouraged me to possess a servant’s heart. I spent my teenage years too distracted and lost to ever understand how rewarding it is to help others. I notice situations and tendencies of other people that I empathize with on a scale I once thought had limits. I just feel so incredibly grateful.

July has been a month of healing. The previous months of this year have been painful. I will never forget how miserable I felt and behaved. The chase for something to fix me is over, because everything I need comes to me, and I have to power to act upon how I let people, opportunities, and choices impact me. As contradictory as it sounds, I have become the most selfless version of myself as a result of making myself my number one priority. It’s okay to say no, to take time, and to change your mind about things when the most beneficial outcome stems from a choice you rethink.

What I still struggle with is letting people go. I feel like a piece of me misses everyone I have ever met in my life. There are still answers I want from people. There are people who I want to apologize to, and people who truly owe me apologies. I’m working on giving myself the closure that certain people owe me. As much as I adore the feedback and responses I get on my writing, it irks me that there are people who read this and still leave me in the dark. They know who they are, and I have been trying to fathom what is harder, not getting a response from someone who is fully capable of it, or not getting answers from people who are truly gone. I’ve been able to heal in many other ways, but this is something I’m stuck on. I am reluctant to reach out, because it’s kind of soul shattering to care about people who hurt me so much. To spend so much energy and love for a person just for it to be unreciprocated is probably the second biggest pain I’ve bared throughout my life. The first is the guilt and regret of when I have it to someone, and it’s too late to fix.

I wear my heart only sleeve more honestly than I ever have before. Some people say being emotional makes someone weak. No one is the same though. There have been times I have become so extremely toxic because I suppress, lie, and fake feelings. To be able to reflect on this in the present allows me to forgive myself for the pain I have caused myself and others in the past. I keep rereading this text from my dad:

“Thank you for the very kind and genuine letter. I read it yesterday, but didn’t know the best way to respond. The only thing I know for sure is that being honest with yourself and others will almost always make your life better, it took me 30 years to figure that out. Also, I spent all my life living for tomorrow. I know now that you need to live for a mix of today and tomorrow. Also, learn from the past, and don’t pretend it will not repeat itself if you repeat the same things. I love you, and I want you to be happy. I think we just need to tell each other what we want from each other to find that happiness.”

Repetition is something that I have always thought was such a great thing. In some ways, yes, but let’s look at the way Albert Einstein defines insanity:

‘Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. ‘ 

I think my dad is the smartest person I know. I’m so lucky to have him, and for the ways he has forgiven me and challenged me. There are other people whom I have distanced from in the past few years who have come back to me recently, in both similar and different ways to the relationship with my dad.

I could go on and on about it, but sometimes I think it’s best to keep certain things private. It almost means more to have connections with these people that just me and them understand.

The sun is going down, and the stars are coming out. I’m next to my best friend, who is more like family. There’s a smile on my face as I’m typing this, and I’m excited for tomorrow. I wish I could show this moment to my bedridden hopeless self three months ago. As much as I hated when people told me this, I will admit that they are right now. Everything is going to be okay. Nothing is permanent, and everyone is capable of change. Love is stronger than hate, and communication is the key to stability. All these cliche words actually mean something. It’s up to myself to let them live through me.

Til next time, Mollie ❤