Mollie Rock Bottom

Would you consider yourself a happy person with sad moments or a sad person with happy moments?

I’ve been thinking about this all day since I saw my sister’s Instagram story asking it as a poll. I didn’t hesitate to tap sad person with happy moments. Besides the fact that I have underestimated and poisoned myself for two decades, I feel better about being sad than happy, because I know it is genuine. When people used to ask me what I wanted to be when I grow up, I used to say happy. Now I just change the subject and ignore the awkward tension we both feel from me dodging the question. And of course, nothing is ever truly permanent. Life is an array of ever changing feelings and emotions, however for some, those feelings linger for what seems like forever. So often I am told that I have a positive, beaming demeanor. I really do try to leave all the things that are burdening me at the door when I know that the behavior I have while interacting with people will inevitably spread to them. I used to really love being alone, but this year I’ve gradually filled my schedule more and more with plans with others. I don’t know if this is necessarily a good or bad thing, but it helps distract me from the thoughts I face alone.

As a toddler I wanted to be a puppy.

As a kid I wanted to be a pilot. and a dentist. and a veterinarian. and a singer. and a movie star. I was highly ambitious. and incredibly smart. and very talented.

Throughout junior high I aspired to go to law school, particularly Yale, to study criminal defense. I was really into this, and took a few law classes in high school, before I found more comfort in studying business, like almost every body else I knew. When I was applying for college, I was really torn between psychology and business. I was a peer counselor my senior year, and that is how I learned that my greatest gift is helping others.

It’s interesting how your dreams and aspirations are crushed as you get older. Or maybe I did that to myself. Now I just don’t know. I thrive in hospitality. I love to entertain people. The cold honest truth though is I won’t always be this young and capable of batting my eyes into tips forever.

“You are just like the daughter I never had,” exclaimed one of my guests who was pregaming the NDSU / CU game with a double Woodford Reserve over ice at 11am. This man and four of his good buddies all made a huge impression on me, and I will never forget them. They had all traveled to Boulder for this game and were celebrating dozens of years of friendship, reminiscing about their glory days as CU students. Every other question my bar guests ask me is if I am a student at CU. Usually, I just lie and say I graduated or still am in school or whatever story I want to tell them that day. Sometimes I am honest. I’m glad I was that day.

I have felt down since classes started back up, and I’m just not enrolled. Not to myself, but to my family, and with the anxiety of having to watch my friends graduate without me. I explained to these men a brief summary of my situation, and they all boosted my confidence and mentality that this is my fucking life. I don’t have to follow anyone else’s timeline. As much as I wish I could prepare for the future, I’m still in the phases of taking it one day at a time. I know that I can continue to pursue an education at any age, but, truthfully, I have absolutely zero desire to.

I recently reconnected with my leadership professor, whom I have written about before. He wants me to speak to his new group of students for the course I took. I am absolutely thrilled, and honestly, he has been the only person who has reignited any drive to go back to school. He sees the best in me. He sees me for my potential, not my mistakes and challenging past. When my world was shattering apart earlier this year, the LEAD 1000 course allowed me to be honest with myself and others, and I can back that with my entire heart and soul. It also opened my mind to the value of collective leadership, what identity really is, and really pushed me to have some self-respect. I am eternally grateful for the ongoing love and support that grew in me through that class.

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Sometimes it feels like I have fewer friends every day, but I’m not mad about it. I am also pleasantly surprised by the people I consider to be in my inner circle right now. I really struggle to enjoy the time I spend with people my own age, and oftentimes the activities that people of my age group socially partake in are the habits that destroy me. This may seem weird to some, but two of my closest friends are both in their 50s right now. However, they both make me feel safe, heard, and I know they only want the best for me.

I’ve built this really cool relationship with Kristina, the lady I met at the creek a couple of months back. She informed me that she has to go through a knee replacement in a few days and asked me to help her out during her recovery. I was so happy that she trusted me enough to ask that, and I really look forward to what I will be able to learn from her in the next few weeks. I introduced her to Anna, who has been my ride or die for almost 7 years now. After laying out on the riverbank and catching up with Kristina for a few hours, Anna and I both agreed she is the type of woman we aspire to be when we are older. She is kind, generous, resilient, creative, and a thousand more good things that are hard to find in many people nowadays.

I am also very grateful for my dear friend Andy, who has made so much admirable progress within just the past month. He always shares his wisdom with me, and there is a mutual amount of accountability we hold each other to. It’s important to have people who give you tough love. Seriously, the person I relate most to in this world is a 57-year-old man, who has taken me under his wing and taught me the lessons I should have learned as a kid. He’s seen me go through an entire spectrum of escalated emotions and has been supportive of me through my lowest and highest points. Part of the magnetic energy he exerts on others is his success, desire to do good, and patience while helping and forgiving others.

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I think it’s very important that we, as people, never limit ourselves by not learning anymore. No matter how old and wise you are, there will always be more knowledge to uncover. In fact, the most unbearable people to be around are those who think they know everything or that their opinions, beliefs, or way of doing things are superior to another’s. There are so many people who have so many experiences, both good and bad, that another person couldn’t even imagine. For this exact reason, it’s not fair to judge someone’s actions or past that came from a place you truly can’t relate to or understand. You can listen to them and appreciate the vulnerability they have by opening up and trusting you. And then you can move forward with a bigger heart and maybe a bit more forgiveness than you had before.

I used to long to have this quiet and mysterious vibe to other people. It never worked. I am very much an over-the-top person. My friend Austin and I once created a video essay about introversion and extraversion. Throughout that research, I discovered that I am an introvert, in the sense that I recharge socially when I am by myself. And then I spend that energy while around other people. On top of this, I am an impeccable overthinker. It’s a blessing and a curse. You can think yourself into insanity; I’ve done it before. What I am trying to get at is no two brains are alike, and empathizing with others only goes so far until you must just appreciate an individual for still being here after everything they have been through.

Occasionally I get insecure when I realize how much I talk or how many questions I ask people. I’ve also realized that by doing that, I have become a much wiser and stronger person. I’m lucky enough to get to meet strangers from all over the world nearly every day. I hear so many stories about love, loss, anger, fear, the careers some follow, and the ways we all must put on a front half the time to be considered a functional, contributing person in society. I don’t mind listening at all because I know how horrific things can get by bottling them up. It also heals me in the comfort that there are people dozens of years older than me who are still figuring it out, and despite the hardships they’ve endured, they are still here.

A few nights ago, this couple from Florida ended their night over a bottle of Chardonnay at the corner of my bar, and talking with them really gave me hope for my future. They were a very attractive couple and were obviously incredibly secure in their relationship because the wife immediately had me comparing her husband to Sean McVay, the head coach of the LA Rams, and Jeff Gordon, a famous race car driver. The man just looked extremely distressed despite the lighthearted jokes we were making. I asked him what was going on.

“I will never send my daughter to this school,” he declared.

After wandering through Boulder all weekend, I learned that this father was just in shock about the way many students dress and behave when they aren’t on campus. I get it. Whatever fashion trend seems to be in season is whatever is closest to next to nothing on. You have girls who genuinely think their entire self-worth is in their bodies and faces; therefore, they will dress to expose that. By no means am I shaming them for it, because I am obviously far from what one would call modest. However, it just makes me reflect and sympathize with myself and all the people who have dressed for someone else’s gaze instead of expressing themselves through their own style. Additionally, the lack of respect so many students have is truly devastating. The beauty of Boulder is impaired by streets covered in trash, broken glass, dead vapes, and dime bags. It’s really a sickening culture, and I can’t believe people struggle with things as simple as picking up after themselves.

These are all things I talked about with this couple. I learned they have a four-month-old daughter at home, and I admire how protective and blessed they feel about her. They have been together for 6 years, married for 4, and called it endgame after their first date. Instead of buying an exaggerated rock for a ring, they bought a house. Do you understand how powerful that is? They invested in a future they see with each other instead of something materialistic that only signifies their marriage to other people. Marriage kind of scares me, partially because I didn’t think I would ever be able to love and commit to someone like that. This couple was a gentle reminder that I can’t go out searching for love I can’t reciprocate. Rather, love will find me on a timeline that I can’t control. But when it happens, that person will either be a lesson or a blessing.

…

My favorite thing to do is ask people insanely heavy questions out of the blue. I always get a good response from:

“What is your biggest life takeaway yet?”

“Be selfish.” is what my GM told me. He is exactly right. The number of times I have crashed out by spreading myself too thin trying to please so many people is far too many. Saying no is so insanely difficult for me to do. I have gotten better at it recently. I’ve also been investing in myself in ways I used to look at as weird. However, the facials and massage therapy are amazing, and I can’t believe I’ve only experienced those things for the first time in the past month. It is more than okay to do nice things for yourself, especially when no one else will do them for you.

Sometimes this ‘selfishness’ means letting things go. And people. I think I have really degraded myself in the past by choosing other people before myself. I love hard, and I get attached to people quickly and easily. This has caused me to break my own heart many, many times. Whether it’s platonic or romantic, people will often outgrow each other. They have different motives and perspectives on life. It’s easy for me to hang on to people who are hurting me because at one point, I cared for and loved that person deeply and sincerely. This is why mindfulness and reflection are so important to me. I can appreciate things for what they were. Were, not are.

Speaking of reflection, I was able to speak at Kareem’s leadership class, and that meant a lot to me. He means a lot to me. We went to get coffee after, and catch up on the difficult past few months. I never went to class the last day because on my walk there was when I got that phone call. The one that changed the trajectory of the rest of my life. So, a lot has happened since April. Kareem told me he noticed how reflective a person I am, and that really meant a lot. I guess I never thought of that, but it makes sense why I am so sentimental about so many things. I’ve gotten angry at myself before because of the reaction I’ve had to events or people. It bothers me that I let things get to me so easily. But putting that in his words of ‘being reflective’ sheds a new light on it. I am just a very appreciative person. Instead of focusing this on all the things going wrong, I’ve been trying to shift it to people and moments that make me happy. For instance:

• My best friend recently turned 20. Anna knows me probably better than I know myself. I admire how resilient, strong-willed, and nurturing she is. People come and go, but I know this girl will be by my side ’til we are in our deathbeds. She is the best friend anyone could ever ask for, and she’s mine. 🙂
• How lucky I am to have met Andy. He saw me cry for the first time before we went on a hike last week. I really hate crying in front of people, but he could tell something was up, and I guess putting all the stress and pressure into words evoked tears, a natural reaction. However, he just wanted to listen and give some guidance, which I gladly took, and it helped. This man has been so generous to me, and no matter how good or bad I’m doing, he always treats me like an equal. If I hadn’t met him, I wouldn’t have a job, a second home, or the bragging rights about all the exciting restaurants we go to.
• I adore my coworkers. I always look forward to how cute Maya will style her hair that day, to hear about Dani’s newest paranormal expenditure, for Eli to crack some jokes that brighten up the rest of my week, how honored I feel that Kait shared her writing with me, and especially because every day I get to hang out with dozens of dogs.
• Music hits on a deeper level than ever before. How progressive the industry has become. How lyrics are like therapy to me. I respect musicians of all sorts to a very high level. How many times I’ve heard “this song saved my life.” How Kaden sent me a song called “Comets” and told me it reminded him of our friendship. And how he is working on making his parents proud of him. I just adore that boy so much.
• How little conversations can make a big change in the way someone feels about themselves. I didn’t wear makeup to work for the first time and was kind of insecure, but this lady told me I looked beautiful, and all I was thinking about was how bad the bags under my eyes were and how frizzy my hair was. This is a two-way street because I’ve noticed I am much less fearful of giving strangers compliments.
• How valued I feel from the responses I get from each and every post. I never expected people to be able to relate or find comfort in these entries I put out to the extent they do. It amazes me every time, and I am so, so grateful.

There is an eternity of actions, people, and events I could reflect on. It can be angry, happy, sad, confusing, and often it’s a mix of all. However, sometimes it is better to just let things go. Remembering and understanding things are extremely important to me. But, I’m here to live for a better tomorrow, and I’m working on being more present for today. Building myself a bed of guilt, shame, and regret isn’t going to fix any of the mistakes I made, the ways I’ve hurt people, and the ways people have hurt me.

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Part of me fantasizes about fleeing the state and moving somewhere new to just start fresh. Part of me is very content with where I’m at and knows myself well enough that I regret most of my spontaneous decisions. I love Boulder. I love my friends, how beautiful it is, and how familiar I am with the city. Yet, something in me makes me feel like I am going to be stuck here forever. There is so much to life, so many places I want to explore. Unfortunately, I have not traveled very much, but the fact of the unknown motivates me to want to get there.

Kristina was telling me how life has chapters. The metaphor is quite true. People are like books. I think I’ve recently entered a new chapter: the healing. I’ve gone through the hating, the loving, and the hurting. The worst chapter was the breaking. That’s been the past year. It’s pushed a deep fear into me. I’ve realized I need to not be afraid to rebuild myself. And that’s where I’m at now. People come and go throughout your life, but they never really leave you. I think people like me take a piece of every significant person we encounter. I now know how important it is to let the best parts of those people live through me.

Nothing lasts forever though.

That’s why I keep asking myself, where will we go now?

All my love, Mollie