Mollie Rock Bottom

On the car ride to the vet to put B-Bow, my family’s first dog down, my older sister and mom were crying hysterically. It was only after I waited for B-Bow to inhale one last breath and it never came that I fell to shambles on the cold tile floor of that clinic. I don’t have a strong memory of my childhood, but I remember the way that room smelled, and sometimes I inhale that same scent, and it takes me back to losing B-Bow. I was young and didn’t understand the concept of death. I still fully don’t. But I’m trying to compile my own beliefs about what becomes of us and where our spirits go. B-Bow was old, and she lived a good life, but as most American Bulldogs, she developed an array of health problems. The morally right thing to do is put any pet out of their misery when they are suffering to live.

This contradicts how a lot of people feel, but if I am ever in critical condition where I will have to suffer through life in order to keep going, I beg you, inject me with a massive dose of pentobarbital. In case you are wondering, that is the Class II controlled substance given to euthanize animals quickly, humanely, and with no pain. Are you kidding me- That sounds like a dream. Or- if I must rely on someone to take care of me for the rest of my life, do us both a favor and pull the plug. Sorry if this sounds selfish because I know some people are going to think that because I sound willing to let go so easily.

Actually, I’m not sorry. That is truly what I want. And I shouldn’t have to sympathize with other people for making a decision that I personally want. I live for chaos. I need momentum. I like to live fast. If I had to live a slow life, it would be my slow death.

And in case you’re wondering, the School of Medicine at the University of Missouri, states, “Euthanasia is the practice of ending the life of a patient to limit the patient’s suffering.  The patient in question would typically be terminally ill or experiencing great pain and suffering. The word “euthanasia” itself comes from the Greek words “eu” (good) and “thanatos” (death). “

The only thing harder than dying is living. I don’t want to live a life if I lose any more of my senses. It makes it difficult to appreciate things. And it would be my hell on earth if I lost my independence to do things on my own. I need to be able to do things for myself. There’s a ton of trauma, damage, and several undiagnosed mental conditions going on in my brain as we all know, but sometimes I get mad when people do things for me. Why am I not pleased? Do they think I’m incapable of doing that myself? Now I owe them something in return… Why is this how I comprehend things?

What I am dearly thankful for is the number of people who responded to my first post and the launch of this whole thing. Also, many of you told me how relatable I was, which is not good, hahaha. But really, hearing about how my story resonated with people, is the fuel to my fire. I had friends, old acquaintances, distant family members, old coworkers from all my past jobs, strangers, and an overwhelmingly beautiful amount of people I’ve met throughout my life take the time to read me. It made many people shed tears, it inspired some, it opened my mind and others. So many people told me how brave I was for pouring all that emotion out, and that they were really proud of me for doing so. Thank you to anyone who read that, and even more so to those who opened up to me after.

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My family didn’t get another dog for a while, until we adopted this scraggly little freak that was never named anything other than, “TinyDog.” My older sister rescued… it… from a Walmart parking lot in Colorado Springs. Her intentions were so well, but none of us knew we would be caring for a mutinied rat. Seriously, something was aggressively disturbed about this dog.

My first real personal pet was a green cheek conure I got before high school. I spent all my savings on this cool parrot named Mango, which was actually so intelligent and nice. Then one day, Mango was feeling curious and decided to climb down his cage and try dog food. And then Tiny Dog bit Mango’s head open, and my entire family buried Mango in the backyard while I cried in my room because I didn’t want to see. Also, we put Tiny Dog down because it would not stop biting people and broke skin on multiple of my friends. We spent so much money on trying to train this entity, but it never got better, and we were going to get sued if it lived to scare people another day.

Now my family has two majestic Bernese Mountain Dogs that I love and adore more than most people. At times I look at Ruby and Ferg and tear up because of how oblivious yet beautiful they are. Yet, they are intelligent enough to sense how we are feeling and know exactly how to respond to elevate the situation. Some dogs just have the heart that loves like humans. I like to think that certain souls we have lost come back as animals.

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That whole previous section all came from a few days before I started trying to challenge myself. I was texting a good friend of mine yesterday and he told me, “if you don’t have something you want, you don’t want it bad enough.” 4:00pm has become such a weird time indicator on how I will inevitably spend the rest of my evenings. Wallowing in self pity… or… actually doing something to achieve this happiness I claim to want so much.

I know my delay in grievance response was at its lowest so late. I know the truth, or at least part of the reason why. Suppressing my emotions. Avoiding thinking about it just to make it harder later. Any part of me that craves feeling something to cover up another, solves nothing. I’m having these realizations often lately. I keep waking up with the knowledge I needed yesterday.

I started thinking about the future again. Only a few weeks forward, but none the less. I scheduled an appointment to schedule an appointment to do a therapy intake. Because that’s just the way things are. But I contacted a doctor and I think that has to be under some sort of category of self care. I finalized my living situation for the next year and am moving into a house with some of the most supportive and energizing people. All of them are very driven and motivated, and I am thoroughly confident of the positive atmosphere we’ll create.

I’ve also been trying to grow my education. I actually googled how to deal with loss. Especially that of a loved one. Some of the largest things I will have to overcome is forgiving myself for everything I did and didn’t do or say. As challenging as this will be for myself, I know it is what must be done for a brighter future. Second, tire myself out in some way every day, whether that is physically, mentally, or ideally both.

Mentally, not drinking is a challenge. Reading, writing, planning, are all ways I challenge my brain to actually think about things. Continuing to become more knowledgeable and efficient while working, as well. It’s making sure I actually spend enough time to exhaust my mind so it doesn’t spew thoughts when I try to sleep. Vice versa, if I don’t want to be restless all night, I move my body til its worn out and craves sleep to recover. More often than not, I do these things, and sometimes they work, but it’s usually just to a point of contentless. Moving forward, I need to make pushes, to do more than what I think I am capable of.

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This week I have felt a lot less low than last. I still don’t have words to describe how I am feeling. I was trying to explain this to my mom. Every day I range on a scale from one to ten, and usually it’s in the middle, but then I’ll have a day that’s like an eight, followed by three that feel like ones. There’s no telling how long this cycle will last, but I’m sure it will become more stable as I add more structure to my redeveloping life.

I was also more aware of how present I was. Because of this, there are several situations that happened recently that I am more grateful for because I just allowed myself to be. Watching Forrest Gump on Alicia’s couch ended up being one of my most eloquent nights with my friends because it sparked so much depth compared to how we often mindlessly party. I’ve been able to spend more time with my parents, and strengthening relationships with my aunt, grandma, and other family. I ended up realizing I could learn a lot from someone who I never thought I could relate to so much. Additionally, I’m figuring out that I am psychically capable of more than I think, and it’s mental blockades that have been stopping me from trying them. I started running with Alicia, and I absolutely hate running, but something about it this time made me want to get better at it. I truly felt relieved from so much stress after exerting out that negative energy one step at a time.

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Red Rocks will always be my favorite place in the entire world. I’ve had too many good memories there than anywhere else, and there is no place even comparable to the vibes that amphitheater circulates. Last night I saw Zeds Dead for the fourth time, and once again, they outdid themselves despite the rain, hail, and wind. What made this night so special was the people I was with, and the new appreciation I had for the music and experience as a whole.

I’m so proud of Zoe, who went outside her comfort zone to come to this show, but was self aware enough to know her limits and go home when she needed. Even though she is three years younger than me, she is more mature that most of my friends now, and her intuition and self awareness is at a point some people spend a life time trying to meet.

Throughout the show, I felt so peaceful. I didn’t drink at all and spent a lot of time in my own head, but in a good way. I just kept admiring my friends and how lucky I am to have them. Obviously, most people come and go, but I know I have my girls who have supported me for years. Our group has had its in and outs and fair share of drama, but it’s always the same people who come back around. So, Anna, Zoe, Brie, Lina, and Ava, I adore you girls, and hope we stay connected deep into the future.

Alicia and I both bought our tickets hours before the doors opened, and I’m grateful she decided to come. We got separated and her phone died minutes before it started down pouring, but still somehow managed to find each other an hour later, and we both just looked at each other and agreed to leave. It ended up being one of the most meaningful car ride homes ever, and we had such sentimental conversation.

We both talked about following our intuition, and listening to what feels right to you, not having to rely on someone or something else to get you through a situation you have the will power to leave. Alicia and I both fell into the same bad place at the same time, and now, we are helping each other climb out of it, but for once it’s actually working. I’ve slept on Alicia’s couch more nights these past couple weeks than my own bed, despite the fact I live 3 houses up from her. Somehow we haven’t gotten sick of each other, but we also just coexist so well together. For a while, people tried to scrutinize our friendship from an outside perspective, but it’s because they don’t get it. They don’t have the same scars, fight the same battles, or have the capacity to feel as deeply as people like Alicia and I do. I used to let comments about what I do and who I hang out with get to me, but now, I am completely sure about the decisions I make and being cautious about who I let my guard down around.

One thing about Alicia is loyalty. Never once has she turned me away or made me feel bad for what has happened. She has seen me cry more than anyone else, and is the reason I hysterically laugh despite feeling like I’m drowning in lows. We were trying to figure out exactly the first time we met freshman year, and couldn’t pin point it, but our friendship has just naturally developed and blossomed into this sisterhood.

These are just some of the thoughts that went through my mind as I watched the sun set behind Denver between these magnificent red sandstone outcrops. I thought about Dom a lot the whole concert, because one of my favorite memories with him was when Charlie drove the three of us to Rezz just under a year ago. I had so much fun that night, but didn’t appreciate it as much as I should have until it was too late. But last night, I appreciated it all, everything, right then in that moment. I’ve always struggled to be present, because I’m dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. I was proud of myself, because I didn’t feel the need to rely off anything and I was genuinely having a good time. And, I don’t feel guilty about it either. My friend Chuck was just saying, “Today’s happiness is tomorrow’s problem.” But yesterday’s happiness turned into something I value even more today. I don’t think I would have adapted this mentality if previous events hadn’t led me too, but I strongly urge people to try it, especially if you are feeling as hopeless and broken as I sometimes get to.

I just ordered a book by Dan Harris called 10% Happier. I had a phenomenal leadership professor who recommended this book to me months ago, I just never actually ordered and read the book like I said I would. This book is a true story about how the author resolves his inner peace with combining meditation practices with the awareness of the modern and broad approaches people take to practice spirituality. Spirituality has always been an unstable bridge in the web of connections within myself. But it has never been more evident that if you want things to get better, you must believe they will. Even when the odds seem impossible, you have to just trust and hope that there is a power greater than your control that has a positive outcome. Things will get better, they are getting better.

Call your mom. Tell your friends why you love them. Make the first move. You never know when you won’t get the chance to again. Be appreciative of the sounds you hear, the sights you see, the smells you recognize, the foods you tase, the things you feel. You’re not going to get any younger, so don’t wait to address your priorities.

Happy 4th of July!!

-Mollie