Mollie Rock Bottom

If forgiving someone is giving up your pride, not forgiving them is sacrificing your freedom. But just like most things in life, this starts within oneself. I wonder how different my life would be if I got a 30 second preview of everyone I met before I decided to build a relationship with them. I’m certain I would be a lot safer, probably further in life, yet much less intelligent. For a king turns pain into power. And letting someone go is often one of the greatest hardships in life, no matter the context.

Trauma doesn’t make you stronger. It makes you live in fear, run away from those who love you, and fall back to the ways of numbing out the rest of the world. It breaks you, makes you hopeless to society, and build walls around yourself consisting of trust issues and resentment.

Whilst forgiveness may take time, it is like a baby bird spreading their wings for the first time. Leaving the nest and soaring through endless skies. Something as beautiful as wind. However, there are some things that not even your God can forgive. Things like murder. Rape. Physical abuse. Harming a child. And often the victim in these situations will forgive their abuser, because it is the only safety they have ever known. And these are the baby birds who try and fly away too soon. The underdeveloped fledgling bodies you wince at on the sidewalk, only a few quarters in size. These poor naive souls will let others manipulate them into an endless cycle of pain. Like a carousel at an amusement park they can’t get off of until they learn to say no. And what many don’t respect is that “no” is a complete sentence that needs no explanation. And silence isn’t a “yes.”

Asking for permission about things from a child forms how they will understand consent. I’ve always felt icky about how some parents will force their little kids to give their family members kisses. I still flinch easily when people touch me because of being tickled against my will as a kid. I hated it. I was begging, screaming for people to get their hands off me. I wasn’t laughing. I was crying. I was terrified. People take the wisdom of children for granted. You see, if that child was asked if they wanted to be tickled, or if they were not scrutinized for not wanting to be hugged by that creepy ass uncle, maybe they would feel like they had more power when they grew up and let people do things to them that were completely unwanted.

Almost every girl i know has been sexually assaulted in some way or another multiple times. Only a few of them have wanted justice for it. Most of them just want to forget it happened. Including myself. We just want it to never be brought up again. 

And to everyone who has had the courage to take a stand about it, I am so proud of you.

I have friends who admire guys who hit them. I have friends who still have certain affairs with people who they know have taken advantage of them in the past. I have friends who have been drugged and raped by multiple people. I have friends who were too intoxicated to say yes. I have friends that were too intoxicated to say anything at all. I have friends who have been blackmailed into sexually pleasing someone to cover themselves up. I have friends who have pieces of them taken from them that they should have been able to give. I am one of my friends. 

Evil does exist. It’s taken a while to understand that not all people are. However, there is no denying that although women can do it too, history to now will always put men in a place where they can take advantage of their power.

Olivia and I go to as many movies as we can. If you haven’t heard of it already, the film, Blink Twice, captures the tragic but moving story of how men can corrupt and abuse power, and so often get away with it. This in itself leads to the nauseating statement that many acts of evil, are dispatched, and most of them, are never even noticed.

I hate talking about this topic and that is why I haven’t exactly written about it before, but it is something that has always and forever will be a problem. I have to remind myself, that I am one little girl, I truthfully can’t make a change, I can accept things for what are right and wrong, but if I ever want to free my mind, I am just going to have to accept that this is just the way that it is. This is a hurt and corrupted world we live in. This is why so many people fall into escapism and choose to forget their trauma instead of accepting it.

…

I have a secret. I don’t feel it would be right of me to disclose it. I am smarter than I am credited for. I know that half a year ago this never made sense. I finally uncovered the truth. A week ago. Now I am reliving this and grieving this yet again, because I had been lied to before. Maybe its the fact that she is in denial, or just chooses not the believe the facts, because the guilt could consume her. It sure as hell has eaten me alive. It doesn’t make me feel any better when people tell me,

“its not your fault.”

To some extent it is.

…

I have a select few people I let know how I really feel. Most of them are my coworkers in their 30s, and Andy of course. The thing is, people like me don’t get sad. We slowly see the world get more dull every day. The only thing I’ve found to put pigment back into my lens is an unattainable high, that is found in substance or feeling true love for someone. I don’t get mad. I get so spiteful that I use the thing I know will hurt the people I love the most against them. I literally pray on the downfall of those who hurt me, especially myself. And then I calm down in a few days and am left sending more apologies. But when I’m truly happy, it allows me to appreciate life to an extent where I can understand the hard parts. Life is so complex, and there is beauty in the depths of what hurts us the most. Being able to come together to celebrate the story of a loved one who passed. Finding true companionship in those who supported you at your lowest. Learning to accept yourself enough that not everyone you want will love you back. Missing the people who you have hurt in the past and had to let go to free them from yourself. I believe we need to process the bad moments just as much as the good ones to practice true gratitude.

Yet, we need to live for today, and a little bit for tomorrow. I have memories I will cherish with me forever, but I now know that regretting all the things I wish I had or hadn’t done isn’t healthy, and it’s not going to change anything. There’s a curse to being so self aware. I know my weaknesses, and that’s why I don’t understand why I cave to them in moments of challenge. Progress is a thing, but it is not linear. It’s up and down and back and forth until you figure it out or you literally fucking die. There’s no other choice. I just don’t want to have it figured out yet. I love to have fun and that’s so much easier to do three drinks deep. Unless I’m with Andy, or my parents, or at work. I hate the fact that everyone I talk to my age has the innocence I will never get back. They don’t understand how hard it is to go from wanting to save the world one moment to fantasizing your absence in the span of a minute.

What I do understand about this is how I must learn to embrace change. This is something I’ve always struggled with. I’ve been easily flustered when something is missing from my routine, plans are cancelled last minute, I’m running behind on timing, or obstacles are thrown my way I wasn’t prepared for. This has led me to focus a lot on my problem solving skills, and becoming a more patient person. Being able to adapt to change makes a better employee, student, parent, and person in general. After something major happens, life doesn’t go back to the way it was. Instead you have to learn how to build your own path around these obstacles or sometimes turn around and try a new direction. This is what is so special about our souls as individuals. We can be inspired by others, but following the tracks of another won’t lead one to the potential they possess. Strong people become the leaders of their own lives, guiding others along the way, and having enough courage to stand up for those too weak to defend themselves.

The downfall of these strong people is when they forget to be their own number one priority. Some people naturally fall into a place of leadership, or people will just easily confide in them. When boundaries aren’t set, these strong people can break. I know I’ve down this to myself a lot in the past. People tell me the darkest emotions and situations they are facing. I’m honored they have that trust in me, and I do the most I can to help them overcome these demons, so much so that I forget I’m battling my own. I’ve offered way too much of my body, mind, and soul up and I’m finally accepting how delicately I deserve to treat myself. I can’t truly be helping others when I’m not honestly doing well internally.

…

One thing I admire most about myself is how independent I am. No matter the circumstance, I have always been resilient enough to come back. Maybe I didn’t always see the light at the end of the tunnel at points, but I made it. One of the factors that allowed me to get here was disregarding the opinions or negative things other people thought or said about me. I observe so much division in this society. Friends turn against friends because of views neither of them have educated themselves on enough. We as people are products of our environment, and it’s been truly disturbing to see the pure oblivion of some of my friends who don’t do any of their own research except for what their parents have blindsided them to. Today my heart aches for women, people of color, and members of the LGBTQ+ community. Sexism and racism are as prevalent as ever in my country, yet we have just seen how Americans are so intimidated by a strong woman in power, that we have reelected someone who strives to carry power like Vladimir Putin. I would consider myself an independent when it comes to politics, as there are views I agree and disagree with on both the Democratic and Republican sides. However, as a nation, this election was battling human rights. And we chose to neglect the people who are not born into an upper hand.

It’s this division that is tearing us apart more and more everyday. We have been raised to praise our differences and what puts us apart so much that we forget about our similarities. At the end of the day, we are all human, trying to make it with no promised visions of the future. We will fight, cry, abandon one another, and sometimes act with such hatred and rage. Forgiveness is what sets us free. We must keep an open mind, radiant heart, and healthy body to keep us mentally and physically strong. I’ve come to accept I can not control what happens, just how I respond to it.

I’ve spent years of my life ignoring, suppressing, refusing, and prolonging the truth. After being challenged with such a tragic and shameful year, I have finally allowed myself to not feel guilt about being so hurt. I understand that I have hurt and disappointed others in the negative ways I cope. But for some reason, these important people forgive me, and come back to me. True colors are revealed and losing toxic people is sometimes more refreshing than keeping them. Why am I dragging around the weight of someone who doesn’t want the absolute best for me? I want the absolute best for the people I love. Now, I want the absolute best for myself.

I’ve been filling my schedule with activities that allow me to work on myself, and have found that there are so many things that can bring me joy without relying on substance or another person. It’s so important to celebrate our little victories. I am enjoying my job now more than ever, rekindled the art of baking, which I find quite therapeutic, enrolled in a yoga program to enlighten by breathe work and mind/body connection, and am forming a routine to lead me to a path of self love. Boredom is often what leads us to depression, self harm, or revoking the progress we have achieved. Conquering our challenges is far more admirable than taking the easy way out. Accepting our sorrows leads to a fascination in what this life has in store for us. Almost everything in life is temporary: feelings, people, phases of our identity. What is permanent is our relationship with ourselves. When I think back to a few months ago when I wanted to die and hated everything I’d ever done so bad, I remember how I didn’t think it could ever get better. But it did. It will get worse again, but I now have the knowledge and tools to never lose myself like I did.

I’m proud of myself for being able to write and share my experiences with so many people. And I’m so beyond proud of each and every one of my readers for sticking with me in this beautiful, messy, tragic, exciting life.

Cheers to a blissful November ❤